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MMDA to Introduce Idiot Lane on EDSA Beginning Tuesday

November 7, 2011

Meanwhile the Land Transportation Office (LTO) declined to comment on concerns regarding the issue of their testing protocols for obtaining licenses producing masses of idiot drivers but released a brief statement on the matter which simply said: “Yes.” (Manila) The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) announced in a press conference late Monday afternoon that a […]

Croc Hunters Responsible for Lolong Capture to Help in Search for Ligots

October 31, 2011

“Itong species na’to ng buwaya ay kilala sa pagiging garapal sa pera at salapi. Kahit magutom at maghirap na ang ibang tao basta may pera sila at maayos buhay nila.” (Manila) Wildlife officials and professional crocodile hunters who participated in the successful capture of the giant saltwater crocodile ‘Lolong’ in Agusan del Sur have been […]

GMA Seeking to Undergo Shame Gland Transplant Abroad

October 26, 2011

“Mahirap talagang i-diagnose ang sakit na hypohiyadism. Kadalasan ang pinakamapapansin na sintomas ay ang pagkapal ng balat sa mukha dahil sa kakulangan ng hiya.” (Manila) The camp of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo announced today that the former president is hoping to undergo treatment abroad for the chronic lack of shame she has been suffering for the last […]

Congress Urges PNOY to Start Even Bigger War in Visayas

October 25, 2011

“The main idea is to create an even bigger conflict in the Visayas region so that people forget about the conflict in Mindanao.” (Manila) Proving its ability to think outside the realm of logic, the House of Representatives passed a resolution Monday afternoon urging the president to conduct military operations against the people of the […]

Philippines Declares War on Mother Nature

September 28, 2011

“We can no longer stand idly by while natural forces kill Filipinos by the dozen every year. These typhoons, red tides, floods, volcanoes, and earthquakes will no longer be tolerated. Mother Nature, we are coming for you, bitch.” (Manila) The House of Representatives and the Senate came together Thursday morning to vote on a resolution […]

Informant Reveals Secret DepEd-CHED Student Waterproofing Project “OPLAN AQUARIUS”

September 27, 2011

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“Do students even get wet during typhoons? I challenge this informant to produce these alleged wet students and maybe then I’ll believe it.” (Manila) A high-ranking official from the Commission on Higher Education (CHED) came out late Tuesday with documents revealing a classified project between CHED and the Department of Education (DepEd) that seeks to […]

Maligno Sentinel Bemoans Lack of Idiocy in the Past Few Weeks

September 26, 2011

(TMS) The Maligno Sentinel decried early Monday the unusually low levels of stupidity observed in the past few weeks. The scarcity has led to a decline in news items and is particularly troubling according to satirists all over the country. “What people don’t understand is that we don’t invent the stupidity featured in our news […]

WikiLeaked CIA Cable Says Jejemons Most Likely Extraterrestrial in Origin

September 19, 2011

(TMS) No less than the United States’ Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) came to the conclusion that the mysterious species known as Jejemons are most likely not from this world according to a communication sent by the agency in 2007. “They appear human but the evidence at hand reveals otherwise. It is the frank assessment of […]

MMDA Bans Ultimate Planking in Metro Manila

September 12, 2011

“This win is for those who didn’t make it… I’m sure you guys are lying face down in the clouds, looking down at me…” (Manila) The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) announced Monday that it has effected a total ban on the lying down game known as “planking.” This comes after dozens of players were […]

Monster Croc from Agusan Announces Bid for Congress Seat in 2013

September 8, 2011

“It claims it wants to win a seat in the House of Representatives because it wants to be with other crocodiles.” (Agusan del Sur) The giant saltwater crocodile caught a few days ago in Agusan del Sur announced late Wednesday evening its intention to run for the province’s congressional seat in 2013. The reptile, subsequently […]