(Tarlac) A new report issued by Hacienda Luisita Inc. (HLI) claims that the 6435-hectare property in danger of being divvied up under the agrarian reform program may be “seismologically unstable and registers high amounts of radioactivity” among other things and is therefore to dangerous to parcel out to its tenants.
“The area has been found out to be dangerous and the recommendation of our scientists is that it should stay under our management until after the radiation threat has passed,” said HLI spokesperson Peepee Juan Ko. “Even after that it will still be dangerous because of the fault line… and of course.. the tentacle demons.”
The HLI report claims that the radioactive material detected at Hacienda Luisita is almost certainly thorium-323 which has a half-life at least half a million years.
Tsunamis and Tentacles
Aside from the radiation threat, the newly found fault line is particularly troubling for HLI as the plantation has never been known for being on seismologically unstable ground.
“Most scientists will never detect the fault line we found because it’s very deep underground. It’s like a stealth fault line… it’s all very complicated and very scientific.” the lead scientist of the surveying team, Dr. Pedro Damian, said in a separate interview.
Damian warned that if a seismic event does occur at Hacienda Luisita, a tsunami is very probable despite the fact that the area is landlocked and close to a hundred kilometers from the sea with mountains in between.
A third less-documented threat to the safety of the farmers who might finally own parcels of the plantation is that of tentacled demons which are rumored to abound at night.
Damian himself refused to comment on the tentacled demons but the report refers to the alleged monsters as:
“Very scary, dangerous to schoolgirls, and not sexy or hot at all.”
Commitment to Safety of Tenant Farmers
Despite these threats HLI maintains that the company will stay and keep its hold over the plantation:
“At this point, parceling out this land to individual helpless farmers would be irresponsible. More than anything we just want to ensure the welfare of our farmers here at Hacienda Luisita. We are committed to keeping this hazardous land from falling into their hands… for their own good.”