Manila Fails Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Standard for the Sixth Year

UNZAPP study cites lack of zombie-fighting plants as major contributor to Manila’s dismal ZAPS rating.

(New York) The United Nations Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Programme (UNZAPP) released early Monday morning the results of its annual Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Standard (ZAPS) report in which the city of Manila scored a rating of zero for the sixth consecutive year since the survey was founded in 2004.

The ZAPS report surveys the chances of human survival in the world’s capitals in the event of a zombie outbreak. An index rating of ‘Level 0’ means that the entire population will become zombies by the end of a week.

“Manila has no fortifiable locations, no access to natural water sources that are remotely potable, no significant disaster coordinating facilities, and most importantly, the city has no plants capable of fighting zombies such as basic Peashooters, Repeaters or Melon-pults.” the report stated.

Manila’s only zombie-fighting plants were uprooted and transplanted by the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) for road widening projects all over the metropolis since the late 1990s and through the first decade of the 21st Century.

Zombie-fighting plants rarely survive transplantation and have since gone extinct in the country.

The last of Manila’s zombie-fighting plants were the giant Chompers and Threepeaters found along Katipunan Avenue in Quezon City but these too were uprooted, chopped up or transplanted by the MMDA between 2003 and 2009.

Meanwhile the UNZAPP also clarified that despite the existence of at least three major military facilities in the city (Camp Aguinaldo, Fort Bonifacio, and Villamor Airbase among them) the population density of Manila significantly outweighs the defense capacity of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP).

“You have to consider how many people there are in Manila and how close they are living to each other. A dozen zombies could become a hundred thousand within the first three days. By six days that number will be in the millions. I don’t think the AFP has that many bullets.” UNZAPP Programme Director Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester IV explained in an interview.

Another key contributor to Manila’s low score is its lack of zombie awareness and education. In a survey which asked how best to fight a zombie most residents of Manila answered:

Susuntukin ko sa mukha.

(“I will punch the zombie’s face.”)

Zombie combat experts assert that attempting to punch a zombie’s face is the best way to become a zombie.

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