Elvis Presley: Osama Bin Laden is Definitely Dead

The King of Rock and Roll makes first public appearance since 1977 to confirm Osama bin Laden death. Hints that Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison may also be alive and partying with him at a secret hideaway.

(TMS) Elvis Presley came out of hiding yesterday to issue a statement from his secret hideaway in the Himalaya Mountains refuting rumors that Osama bin Laden is alive and well and hiding out with other supposedly dead celebrities.

“Yes, I’ve been alive all this time but I can assure you that this Osama fellow is dead or we would know about it.” The King of Rock and Roll said in a remote video press conference with major networks CNN, Al Jazeera, and BBC.

The King explained that celebrities who want out by faking their deaths have to go through an application process that is screened by a council of supposedly dead celebrities.

“We can’t just let anyone join us here at our secret hideout. Our organization already made the mistake of letting an asshole join us once and that ended really badly. We had to kill Hitler ourselves and that whiny little freak kept screaming the whole time.” The King said.

Presley further explained that celebrities who wish to fake their deaths must also pass a legacy index and a posthumous revenue feasibility measure. The legacy index determines if a celebrity has achieved enough status to solidify their immortality. Posthumous revenue feasibility, on the other hand, checks if a celebrity can keep earning money long after his or her faked death.

“Otherwise some of us get tempted to go back into the world to accomplish more and strengthen our legacy. The other problem is when the money we earn after death is not enough to sponsor our lavish lifestyle here in our secret base.” The King said.

Presley cited the case of Kurt Cobain who continues to make millions despite having been ‘dead’ for almost two decades. The King also hinted that Tupac Shakur and Jim Morrison may be alive as well.

Asked whether Osama bin Laden applied for a fake death to get away from the US forces sent to capture him, Presley replied: “He did. But we told him he was not a celebrity and that his legacy was silly. Also we told him we didn’t accept assholes anymore.”

To a final question of whether he was still writing songs the King answered: “I’ll be writing until I die for real. It’s part of me and it runs through my veins. Lately I’ve been writing for Bieber, Swift and Gaga but I won’t say which songs.”

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