PAGASA Announces Change of Mandate from Weather Forecasts to Weather Reviews

Planned weather reviews will be ‘practically useless but irresistibly delightful.’

(TMS) The Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA) announced early Monday that it will no longer provide weather forecasts and advisories effective today, 9 May 2011, and will instead focus on ‘weather reviews.’

The weather review mandate will have PAGASA describing weather conditions after the fact rather than before they occur. This promises to make the agency’s announcements 100% accurate.

The announcement comes after decades of harsh criticism regarding the agency’s fairly consistent inability to properly provide accurate forecasts and severe weather warnings. Its popularity came to an all-time low after Typhoon Ondoy slammed the country in 2009 with little or no warning from the agency.

“The bottom line is there is nothing we can say that your average idiot in a safari outfit cannot tell you if he or she logs onto Weather Underground (http://www.wunderground.com/) or any of the other weather service sites online. So we are giving up and moving on to other things.” PAGASA chief Arnulfo Pedro said in a press conference at its headquarters in Quezon City.

Pedro went on to explain that while the reviews will be “practically useless” they will have the added value of being “irresistibly delightful.”

“Let’s take tropical storm ‘Bebeng’ for example. With our current equipment we can’t really tell what she’ll do. But we can review her afterwards and I promise it will be 100% accurate. Myself, I’d describe this typhoon as crisp and powerful. Her winds are almost oaky and her rains are quite cathartic.” the PAGASA chief said

The PAGASA chief also explained that their reviews will not be purely subjective and sentimental. Variables such as shape, size, symmetry and strength will also be measured and factored in and ranked on an aesthetic scale.

“We also want to be scientific after all.” he said.

Asked about the current tropical storm ‘Bebeng,’ Pedro answered:

“For the first time since PAGASA was founded in 1972 we can finally say we have no way of knowing which direction this typhoon is headed and frankly we stopped giving a f*** a long time ago. Maybe it wants to go to the mall. Maybe it’ll seem like it’s heading away and then turn back. Maybe it left something and is coming back for it. If you want to know which direction it’s headed go online and consult international agencies; if you want our review of the typhoon give us a few days and we’ll tell you how it was… accurately.”

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