Three Ninja Turtles Among the Dead in Cotabato Coral Reef Massacre

Foul play suspected. Warrants of arrest go out for Shredder and other members of Foot Clan.

(Manila) Agents of the Bureau of Customs were shocked to find yesterday that among the hundreds of stuffed sea turtles seized from poachers at a Manila port were the bodies of three mutant ninja turtles.

The dead turtles have been identified as Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello of the famed quartet formerly known (they have since aged beyond their teenage years) as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The fourth member, Michelangelo, remains missing.

“We were wondering why these three stuffed turtles had weapons. At first we thought it was a sick joke but an expert from the Department of Environment and Natural Resources (DENR) identified the three as part of this group ninja ninja something.” Customs Official Randy Amparon said.

Master Splinter, the group’s adoptive father and sensei, declined to comment but confirmed that the turtles were indeed in the Philippines visiting relatives.

Outrage over the death of the ninja turtles has been vehement. A Filipino group, Pilipino Para sa mga Pagong (PPP), has called for the deaths of all parties involved in the poaching and smuggling of Philippine marine life.

“We strongly believe that the people behind crimes like this recent incident should be killed and then stuffed like the animals they murdered. We will do the stuffing ourselves if we have to.” PPP President Melinda Silayan said.

The Philippine government has already called for a boycott of products that involve the rape of marine life.

“Only a sick, evil, perverted, greedy person could do this to such creatures. And only a sick, evil, perverted, greedy person would think that a stuffed turtle is beautiful and would buy such an item.” DENR Spokeseperson Anton Bulagan said.

The remains of the three ninja turtles are to be flown to the United States after a short memorial in Manila on Thursday.

Hope remains high that the fourth ninja turtle, Michelangelo, may still be alive.


One thought on “Three Ninja Turtles Among the Dead in Cotabato Coral Reef Massacre

  1. you should keep writing about this ninja turtles stuff because they are the most funny pieces. how about ripping on China?

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