AFP Declares Batac City Zombie-Free, Undead Former Dictator Kills 3,000

(Batac) Two days after placing the City of Batac under quarantine due to a zombie outbreak, the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) has declared that the situation is finally under control.

“As of 1800 tonight, all units under our command have declared no contacts for over 12-hours. Sweeps of the area have also turned up with zero undead. Batac is officially zombie-free.” AFP spokesperson Colonel Bernardo Asarin told reporters early today.

Elements of the AFP’s 11th Infantry Division had been tasked with containing the zombie outbreak. Local police were also involved in isolating the city by putting up roadblocks on all access points.

The death toll has been estimated to be nearly 3,000 but could still go higher as clearing operations are expected to take over a week to complete.

Meanwhile, the zombie formerly known as former President Ferdinand Marcos, identified to have been the source of the outbreak, has been “placed under custody” but the AFP has refused to disclose the status of his remains.

The United Nations Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Programme’s (UNZAPP) ‘Protocol for Containment, Destruction and Disposal of Zombies’ prescribes the immediate destruction of zombies except in cases where the responding authorities have Biosafety level 4 (BSL-4) capabilities. The Philippines has no such facilities.

In Manila, Imelda Marcos released a statement Sunday afternoon decrying the accusations thrown at her undead husband.

“Lagi na lang kami, kawawang-kawawa na nga kami. Hinding hindi mananakit o papatay ng Pilipino ang Pangulong Marcos. Kung naging zombie man siya siguro masamang tao lang kakagatin niya.” former first lady Imelda Marcos did not say.

(“It’s always us that they blame, we’ve already been so oppressed. President Marcos would never hurt or kill a Filipino. If he did become a zombie he would only bite bad people.”)

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