Aquaman Lays Claim to Spratly Islands in the Name of Atlantis

“We do not mean to frighten you but if you insist on your claim we will not hesitate to use…  dolphins.”

(Manila) Emissaries from Orin, or Aquaman as he is more commonly known to humans, forced their way into Malacañang early Monday to present the monarch’s formal intention of claiming the Spratly Islands in the name of the Kingdom of Atlantis.

Two giant pawikans waded ashore the riverside area of Malacañang Palace and proceeded to find the president without meeting any resistance. Members of the Presidential Security Group (PSG) were allegedly unable to stop the sea turtles because of the massive stench the two brought having gone through the Pasig River to get to the palace.

“Ang baho. Hindi kami makalapit para mapigilan.” Staff Sergeant Ian Deloso told reporters.

(“It reeked. We couldn’t get close enough to stop them.”)

Presidential Spokesman Oscar Donato later called a conference to explain the curious incident to the press and deliver Aquaman’s message to the Filipino people.

“The turtles met with the president and he listened. They delivered a message which I will read to you shortly and are currently under the custody of the PSG.” Donato said.

Below is a transcript of the message delivered by the turtles:

“To the Filipino People, despoilers of the seas, river murderers, lake killers. It is a joke that your people would dare lay claim on a group of islands yet to be spoiled by your settlements.

Your people have seen some of the worst massacres of corals and marine life in the past months. Fish die in your lakes while poachers run amok in your seas.

As such, you have been deemed unfit by the Kingdom of Atlantis to rule any new territory.

When your president volunteers to swim in the Pasig River and Manila Bay we will consider giving you these islands. Rest assured, no human nation is currently worthy of said islands and neither the Chinese nor the Vietnamese will be allowed to take full sovereignty over them.”

It remains unclear how the two turtles communicated their message but speculation indicates that President Benigno Aquino III is fluent in the turtle dialect.

“It doesn’t matter how they communicated with the president. What matters is that they did. We ask the media to refrain from any speculation that the president may have turtle genes because that’s just inflammatory nonsense.” Donato said.

According to Donato, the two turtles directly threatened the Philippines with armed reprisals as well if it pursued its claim on the Spratly Islands.

“We do not mean to frighten you but if you insist on your claim we will not hesitate to use…  dolphins.”

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2 thoughts on “Aquaman Lays Claim to Spratly Islands in the Name of Atlantis

  1. President Benigno Aquino III is fluent in the turtle dialect- quite obvious. needs not to be stated.. XD

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