To His Excellency, the President of the Republic of the Philippines, Benigno Aquino III:
It has become apparent recently that institutions are allowed to ask for certain luxuries from the president under certain circumstances. As such, we would like to petition that you grant The Maligno Sentinel a few things.
First, three (3) Abrams Tanks for our daily commute to and from work. Understandably, as psuedo-journalists in a country considered the most dangerous for real journalists we would deeply appreciate the added safety measures. We hope you will not give us the older versions of this worthy tank because we feel that the depleted uranium armor plate is crucial to making us feel safe.
Second, two (2) giant pandas (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) for breeding as part of our top secret attack bear program: Project QQ.
Lastly, DNA reference samples of our national hero, Jose Rizal for reasons we cannot disclose.
Rest assured, these items will be used to serve public interest and the common good. Also, it’s our birthday next March and we hope you will not fail to provide us these items.
In exchange, we will refrain from criticizing your administration as long as it does not commit genocide or support any legislation persecuting carabaos.
Remember, the difference between a good president and a bad one is that bad presidents do not give SUVs or other such items to people who ask.
We hope to hear from you soon.
The Maligno Sentinel