Church Warns: Sentient Condoms Plotting Attacks Against Major Cities

“What is less believable? That some condoms have become sentient and have gained the abilities of flight and mind control? Or that young, innocent, Christian men think of sex? Of course they are being controlled by the condoms!”

(Manila) The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) released a report late Thursday warning the public about the threat brought about by condoms.

While Church opposition against the use of condoms in artificial contraception is not a new issue, the report claims that recent findings have revealed a frightening development.

“It is with great hesitation that we conclude that condoms have become sentient and are continuing to evolve into a more sinister life form.” the report said.

San Isidro Bishop Dionisio Arko identified two abilities already possessed by the supposedly sentient condoms: locomotion via flight and some form of mind control.

The bishop cited hundreds of cases where men claimed that condoms flew onto their genitalia and forced them into having sexual intercourse.

“I did not want to have sex at all but the condom forced me.” one informant stated.

Another informant claimed that: “I only wanted to hold my girlfriend’s hand until we were married but that condom flew into the room, latched itself onto my penis, and used telepathic coercion into making me have sex with my girlfriend.”

Worse, the bishop theorizes that it is only a matter of time before these condoms attempt an attack against major cities.

“It’s already happening and I am sure these condoms are plotting to carry out more attacks. I do not know how the government can stay blind while young men are victimized by these evil condoms into engaging in sexual congress.” Arko said.

Meanwhile a few experts have expressed their doubt regarding the CBCP report.

“It is physically impossible for a condom to fly.” Associate Professor Geronimo Baldonado of the Philippine National State University of the Philippines’ (PNSUP) Physics and Theology Department said.

The CBCP, however, remains adamant.

“What is less believable? That some condoms have become sentient and have gained the abilities of flight and mind control? Or that young, innocent, Christian men think of sex? Of course they are being controlled by the condoms!” Arko said when asked about Baldonado’s statement.

The bishop ended the interview with a warning: “When they have the numbers they will attack and it will be cataclysmic. Unless we stop these condoms, innocent men will be forced into thinking about sex and will have no choice but to engage in it.”

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