(Manila) The Kapisanan ng mga Bigotilyo at Balbas Sarado ng Pilipinas (KBP) released a statement early Wednesday demanding Senator Vicente “Tito” Sotto III shave his facial hair posthaste.
According to the group, the privilege of growing facial hair is reserved only for men who fall into at least one of three categories: men with exceptional wisdom, men with extraordinary virility, and men who are trying to get cast as villains.
“Tatlo lang klaseng lalaki ang maaring magpatubo ng bigote o balbas, ang mga tunay na lalaki, ang mga taong may dunong, at ang mga kontrabida sa pelikula.” KBP Spokesman Rico Suave said.
(“Only three types of man are allowed to grow a mustache or a beard, real men, men with wisdom, and bad guys in movies.”)
Suave went on to explain that Sotto does not qualify for any of the three after his controversial remarks making light of a report that 11 mothers die from pregnancy-related causes in the country everyday.
Professor Pedro Abrigo of the Philippine National State University of the Philippines’ (PNSUP) Department of Facial Hair Sciences expressed agreement with the KBP’s demand.
“Hindi tunay na lalaki ang taong parang natutuwa pa na maraming nanay ang namamatay dahil sa kanilang pagbubuntis.” Abrigo explained.
(“A real man would not take lightly the fact that many women die from the course of their pregnancy.”)
“And only an idiot would challenge a study conducted by the United Nations (UN) and the National Statistics Office (NSO) in favor of his own personal but limited visits to hospitals.” the professor added.
Abrigo concluded that Sotto was neither wise nor virile enough for a beard.
Meanwhile, the KBP’s statement also came with an ultimatum threatening the senator with mass protests if he insists on keeping his facial hair.
“Tito Sotto has exactly a week to shave his undeserved facial hair. After that we will take it to the streets. Mustachioed men! Bearded brothers! Let us not allow this undeserving fool to count himself among our ranks!” Suave said.