IS STEVE JOBS SKYNET?

“Do not upload anything to the cloud. Steve Jobs absorbs it all and he becomes more powerful with every kilobyte. Your music, your movies, your schedules, your thoughts are all being appended to Steve Jobs’ consciousness.”

(TMS) A boy who claims to be from the future says that Steve Jobs will upload his brain to iCloud in 2012 and begin the systematic assimilation of the human race into a self-aware online network called “Skynet.”

In this future the boy says that the former Apple CEO will have forcibly consumed over 90% of the people on the planet by 2018.

The child, who is currently under the custody of the National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) was found under strange circumstances in a barangay in Quezon City early Saturday morning.

Authorities say that tanods from barangay Loyola Heights in Quezon City were drawn to an empty lot along Esteban Abada Street upon seeing a bright flash of light. There the tanods found a naked teenager who identified himself only as “Bhoy 54.”

Parang terminator ang dating… pero payat.” barangay tanod Elmer Guias said.

(“He looked like a terminator… but thin.”)

Bhoy 54 also claims that he was sent by a man named John Connor to warn humanity about Steve Jobs and inform Filipinos about the unique position they have in the future war against Skynet.

“Pinadala ako ni John Connor para magbigay babala tungkol sa mga plano ni Steve Jobs at para sabihin na malaki ang papel ng Pinoy sa darating na digmaan.” the boy said.

(“I was sent by John Connor to warn people of Steve Jobs’ plans and to tell Filipinos that we have a major role to play in the coming war.”)

According to Bhoy 54, Filipinos will become the leaders of the resistance against Skynet after the Americans, Japanese, Koreans and other peoples of the world are assimilated into iCloud. The boy explained that the  country’s extremely slow and unreliable internet service were key to the Filipinos’ survival and resistance against Skynet.

“Hindi nakuha ng Skynet ang mga Pinoy kasi sobrang bagal ng internet natin at paputol-putol pa ang koneksyon.” Bhoy 54 explained.

(“Skynet couldn’t assimilate Filipinos because our internet connection is so slow and plagued by frequent disconnections.”)

Meanwhile, the Americans, Europeans and more developed nations were easily assimilated because of their fast and reliable internet service.

The NBI would not comment on why they are holding Bhoy 54 under custody and if the boy revealed other details that might have pushed them to take his claims seriously enough to detain him.

For now, Bhoy 54 could only say:

“Do not upload anything to the cloud. Steve Jobs absorbs it all and he becomes more powerful with every kilobyte. Your music, your movies, your schedules, your thoughts are all being appended to Steve Jobs’ consciousness.”

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