Philippines Declares War on Mother Nature

“We can no longer stand idly by while natural forces kill Filipinos by the dozen every year. These typhoons, red tides, floods, volcanoes, and earthquakes will no longer be tolerated. Mother Nature, we are coming for you, bitch.”

(Manila) The House of Representatives and the Senate came together Thursday morning to vote on a resolution declaring a state of war between the Philippines and the surreptitious entity only known as “Mother Nature.”

The House of Representatives voted 215 – 65 with six abstentions while the Senate voted 20 – 4; both houses in favor of declaring war.

The declaration came in light of the damage and destruction wrought by Typhoon Pedring, which has since been identified positively as an agent of Mother Nature. The typhoon has left at least 18 confirmed dead with more than 30 still missing as well as over P16M worth of damages.

Pedring is only the most recent of a yearly barrage of typhoons that wreak havoc in the Philippines on top of other natural hazards which include floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and red tide.

In its joint resolution, the Philippine Congress strenuously declared its disdain and contempt for Mother Nature’s wanton attacks on Filipino lives and property which served as the main impetus for the declaration:

“We can no longer stand idly by while malevolent forces kill Filipinos by the dozen every year. These typhoons, red tides, floods, volcanoes, and earthquakes will no longer be tolerated. Mother Nature, we are coming for you, bitch.”

The resolution also marks the first time the word “bitch” has been used in a government document.

Shortly after its declaration, the Philippine Congress also suspended all laws that can be construed as beneficial to Mother Nature. Among these suspended statutes are: RA 8749 or the Clean Air Act of 1999, RA 9147 or the Wildlife Resources Conservation and Protection Act, RA 8550 or the Philippine Fisheries Code, RA 8485 or the Animal Welfare Act, RA 7942 or the Philippine Mining Act of 1995 among others.

Congress has also suspended all anti-littering ordinances and opened all natural conservation sites for hunting and exploitation.

“We will teach Mother Nature not to mess with Filipinos.” Pangasinan Representative Arturo Dimalipok said.

Meanwhile the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) has already issued orders to all active units to “actively engage and neutralize all agents of Mother Nature” upon contact.

“Our first move will be to attack Mayon Volcano which has long been known to be in league with Mother Nature. General Felipe Pardo of the 9th Infantry Division has already been given instructions to mobilize his units against the volcano.” Colonel Ramon de Juan of the AFP Public Information Office said.

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5 thoughts on “Philippines Declares War on Mother Nature

  1. This is a joke, I hope you knew that.
    This article is hilarious! I especially love the seventh paragraph, not counting the quotation at the beginning. Brilliant!

  2. actually, Philippines is the first one who created destruction to Mother Nature and Mother Nature is simply protecting herself for future destruction on her.

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