PAGCOR Opens Testicle Betting Event on Chances of GMA Returning from Treatment Abroad

Will use FPJ gonad index to assess value of bettors’ testes. All testicle sizes welcome. Only two testes may be wagered per person. Monetary bets will not be entertained.

(Manila) The Philippine Amusement and Gaming Corporation (PAGCOR) reported today that close to 57,341 gonads have been placed as bets in the first testicle betting event the country has seen since Spanish Governor-General Simon de Anda’s Mi Testiculo Contra Tu Cojones contests in 1774.

Testicular wagers on whether former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo would return to the country or not if allowed to travel abroad for medical treatment became popular since Arroyo legal counsel Ferdinand Topacio said last Wednesday that he would have one of his balls removed if the former president did not return.

PAGCOR has since taken over the contest to prevent untoward incidents such as cheating and illegal gambling.

“Since Wednesday evening, our agency has been tasked with handling all testicular bets on whether GMA would return or not.” PAGCOR Corporate Communications Assistant Vice President Leonardo Apacible said.

Winners of the competition will have a choice of receiving either  testicles or the equivalent value in money.

“Like any other betting game, your winnings will depend on odds and the value you put in. The odds are pretty even right now so it comes down to the size of the testicles you’re betting.” Apacible explained.

The PAGCOR spokesman explained further that the “Fernando Poe Jr. Constant” will be used for assessing the value of bettors’ testicles. The FPJ Constant is one of the few existing indices for ideal testicle size among real Filipino men.

“Of course bettors have to show up and let us assess the value of their testicles. But all testes are welcome! If yours are too small you can bet both to reach the minimum value required.” Apacible continued.

Apacible clarified, however, that monetary bets will not be entertained because the contest is only for real men.

As of early Thursday, the odds stood at an even 1:1 with wagers favoring neither Arroyo’s definite return or escape.

“Babalik yang si Gloria. Si Marcos nga kung magpapatay at magnakaw sa bayan noon parang wala lang. Tignan mo ngayon… gustong ipalibing kasama ng mga bayani.” Ramon Nualon, a resident of Marikina who bet both his testicles that Arroyo would return, said.

(“Gloria (Arroyo) will return. Marcos had people killed and stole public funds like it was nothing. Now they want to have him interred among heroes.”)

Meanwhile other bettors seem to disagree:

“If I had as much money as she stole, I would leave and never look back.” a bettor who wished to remain anonymous said.

PAGCOR is set to open a total of 541 betting stations all over the country for the testicle betting event.

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