DOST Scientists Working on a ‘Likeable’ Clone of Kris Aquino

(Manila) A high level source from the Department of Science and Technology (DOST) confirmed today an earlier leaked report which revealed that a significant part of the department’s resources have been channeled for over two decades into a secret project that involves creating a “likeable” clone of Kris Aquino.

“Maybe ‘likeable’ is overly optimistic at this point,” the source told the Maligno Sentinel in an exclusive interview, “but they had hoped that the clone would at least be less annoying.”

According to the leaked DOST report that was uploaded to WikiLeaks last week, the project has been running since the early 90s when independent observers predicted a sharp downward trend in Kris Aquino’s ability to control her mouth.

An excerpt from the report reads:

“The president has directed that all resources necessary for the immediate completion of the operation should be made available to Project KristeTWO.”

Because of the illegibility of the report’s dates, it is difficult to tell if the president in question was former President Fidel V. Ramos or Aquino’s mother herself, former President Corazon C. Aquino.

Speculation on the motives have been circulating since the leak last week.

“She has been the Aquinos largest political liability since she decided to cry every month on national television that one year,” one observer wrote in his broadsheet column.

But others point out that Ramos could have had reason as well.

“She isn’t just the Aquinos’ problem, she annoys us all,” another pundit wrote, “Ramos would have been trying to save us all.”

Meanwhile, the DOST source explained that he decided to come out and reveal the project’s existence because he felt that the plan has become untenable.

“This is taxpayer money being used for an impossible task,” the informant explained.

“In the 1990s, a quieter Kris Aquino could have worked. But that was 20 years ago. Today, Kris Aquino doesn’t even have to talk to annoy us anymore.”


Photo attribution for “DOST Scientists Working on a ‘Likeable’ Clone of Kris Aquino”
Kris Aquino on Aquino and Abunda Tonight  by Michael Howard  under CC BY /re-sized, hues adjusted, cropped.

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