Thousands of Filipinos Sick After Watching Bong Revilla Privilege Speech

 (TMS) Mass absences continue to be reported in schools and workplaces all over the country in the wake of scores of Filipinos falling ill after being exposed to the privilege speech delivered by Senator Ramon ‘Bong’ Revilla Jr. yesterday.

“As of 10 o’clock this morning, we have at least 7,500 cases of the Bong Revilla allergy in Metro Manila alone,” Department of Health Undersecretary Jaime Palma told the press in a statement earlier today.

Victims of the condition reported a wide range of symptoms that include nausea, diarrhea, headaches, and an extreme desire to punch the senator.

“The most common symptom among the afflicted has been a strong urge to vomit…” Palma explained, “…on Senator Revilla’s face.”

A DOH situation report posted later today urged the public to stop watching recordings of the senator’s speech as it is “as potent as watching the speech live” and could be dangerous to “anyone with half a brain and those at risk from high blood pressure conditions.”

Roman de Guerra, a doctor on duty at the General Aguinaldo and General Luna General Hospital, observed that patients started coming into the emergency room a few minutes into Revilla’s speech and continued to arrive until past midnight.

“It’s unexpected. You’d think that Filipinos would be used to being lied to by corrupt politicians by now,” de Guerra surmised, “But it’s possible that the senator may have broken the Filipino’s bullshit threshold.”

And while most patients were brought in because of the dehydration caused by their spontaneous and simultaneous need to both vomit and defecate, a good number were being treated for hand injuries after punching television and computer monitors in anger.

“I just need to punch him,” a patient with lacerations on his hand told the Maligno Sentinel in an interview, “punching his face on the television was the next best thing.”

Another patient explained that he suddenly felt fixated on the question on whether Senator Revilla was worse as an actor or as a politician and didn’t realize that he had collapsed and experienced seizures until they brought him into the emergency room.

The government has already ordered that recordings of the senator’s speech be taken down from social media sites.

A few social media movements have already begun petitioning a permanent ban on Senator Revilla’s privilege speeches as well as any films he may have appeared in using the hashtag #BongPanes.

/TMS

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