Government Backs Bill for Random Drug Testing of Kindergarten Kids

(Quezon City) The administration expressed support early Monday for a bill requiring schools to conduct random drug testing at the kindergarten level. Under House Bill 89144 or the “Kindergartener Justice Act”, kids enrolled in kindergarten will be randomly selected to undertake testing to detect methamphetamines (shabu and related drugs), tetrahydrocannabinol (marijuana), and Tiki-Tiki (vitamin food supplement).

“We have been getting reports that drug lords are now focusing on selling drugs to five-year olds to escape suspicion,” Deputy Presidential Spokesman Larry Donato told reporters.

The deputy spokesman would not elaborate on the sources for his information but went on to explain that “Tiki-Tiki” is the most commonly abused substance for drug addicts aged between the ages of five and six.

“Only a teaspoon of Tiki-Tiki should only be taken for ages 4-12,” the spokesman continued, “but we’re getting intel that some of these five-year old drug addicts are taking as much as two teaspoons.”

According to the sponsor of the bill, Muntinlupa District 2 Congressman Juffy Morron, the “Kindergarten Justice Act” will lower delinquency in the youth by putting kids away even before they become teenagers.

“We must make a distinction between children and criminals,” Morron explained, “the moment you commit a crime you cease to become human no matter what age.”

“Justice knows no age!” Morron also added while snarling his message at reporters for no reason.

Meanwhile, supporters of HB 02 or “Minimum Age of Criminal Responsibility Act” which seeks to lower the age of criminal liability from 15 to 9 are also considering an amendment that will lower the age further to “-1.”

“We haven’t really moved on this,” Davao del Norte Congressman Pantheon “Panty” Almoranas said, “but I was thinking ‘Why stop at nine?’ Why should potentially violent fetuses get a free pass?”


Photo attribution for “Government Backs Bill for Random Drug Testing of Kindergarten KidsPreschool by Timothy Krause  under CC BY 2.0 /re-sized and cropped.